London Olympics  – Krishna Avatar resolves Indian pick of tennis players

(Shri Krishna, Former Union Minister of External Affairs of the Congress and the Honorary Lifetime President of the All India Tennis Association has shifted to the BJP. I penned the following piece on 27 July 2012 when two confusing events took place in which this great politician was closely associated. I chanced to stumble on this piece from my archives. I am happy to share it now as such samples of how our politicians entrenched in every aspects of life are providing us fodder for a hearty laugh. Now that he is a senior mentor in BJP,  he may be expected to play the role of a super  strategist in unsettling  the  Congress run Karnataka. Please read on.)

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This is a week of fiascos.

Earlier in the day (27 July 2012), Pakistan announced release of Sarabjit Singh who is languishing in Pakistan jail for decades.  But, later,  it turned out to be one Surjeet Singh whose name was cleared by the President of Pakistan and not Sarabjit Singh. This is one event.

For over a week, a battle was on with daggers drawn by all our  top Tennis players in  selection of teams for representing India in the London Olympics.   The selectors of  the All India Tennis Association (AITA) had very tough time in zipping the foul mouths of our Tennis players from airing in public their personal grievances.

Our Hon’ble Sri Krishna is the most envied man in India as he is heading  the External Affairs Ministry and also doubling up as the Honorary Lifetime President of the All India Tennis Association.  These two events took all his energy out and he was feeling tired and looking for some place to take a quick nap. Of course, for most of the politicians, the best place to take such a rest is to be in a meeting; but, Sri Krishna chose to have it in his home. Dreams started rolling out one after another. Here are two such dreams recalled.

Dream 1:  Confusion over Sarabjit or Surjeet  has gripped him strongly.  In the dream,  he finds that as usual, our great media people through their networks found out quickly (many a time, government will think of taking action on media reports; but it is another matter, they do not take any action at all even after all clinching evidences they have), that  it  was  a Computer Assistant (CA)  at the administrative level in Pakistan,  who does not know how to pronounce the name of Surjeet Singh in English made the mess.  He just heard the name as Sarabjit  as his friend was helping him in reading out to him the Order of  the President of Pakistan consenting the release of  Surjeet Singh from Pakistan jail while the CA continued keying in the words in the computer.  Now, India seizes  the opportunity and lodges its request for release of Sarabjit Singh also.  Hon’ble Union External Affairs Minister Sri Krishna imagines  that such an error at the Pakistan level has indeed come as a blessing in disguise as  India could now press for release of  two Indian prisoners out of the Pakistan Jail. He succeeds in getting the release of both Sarabjit and Surjeet.  As he was dreaming about it, a streak of smile crossed his face giving him a sense of  great achievement in his ministerial assignment.

Dream 2:  Soon after the dream about Sarabjit and Surjeet fiasco and his great diplomatic coup, the tennis debacle started unfolding in his next dream.  The real show of egos of Tennis players was haunting in his dream also.   Announcement  of AITA that not so pious ‘Paes’ and  not so saintly ‘Sania’  would play the Mixed Doubles for India and   Sania making her mind known soon after, indicating that she was not keen to pair with Paes have jolted him. It is another matter, if any of the teams finalized would even go beyond the first round in the Olympics.

His dream continued something like this.  He first summons  expert  mathematicians with specialization in probability theory  to give the selectors  a few  best  combinations that  they could consider.    Simultaneously, top astrologers were also consulted to give their expert combinations.  The AITA selectors placed before him the file indicating various combinations and  requested him to give his written order in selecting two Tennis teams, one for  Men’s Doubles and another for Mixed Doubles games in the London Olympics.   He felt that there was no problem with Mahesh Bhupathi and Rohan Bopanna teaming up for Men’s Doubles.  So, he mentioned  in the file  - ‘Men’s Doubles – Mahesh Bhupathi and Rohan Bopanna - Selected’. When it came to Mixed Doubles, he mentioned, ‘Mixed Doubles – Paes and Saina – Selected’. He returned the file to the selectors and left the meeting, thoroughly satisfied.  The waiting media persons outside the venue of the meeting engulfed him  asking for the final decision of AITA. He announced that Paes and Saina will play the Mixed Doubles for India in the London Olympics.  The media was perplexed whether it was a slip from Sri Krishna in announcing the name – instead of Sania whether he slipped and mentioned Saina.  The selectors as usual have not seen the written Order but realized their mistake when he announced the name of Saina pairing with Paes.  So, they too rushed to him telling that he has made a spelling mistake in his Order- instead of Sania, he has wrong spelled it as Saina. But, the Minister stood his ground and said,  ‘Both women use racquets for playing their games and so it does not matter whether it is Saina or Sania.  At least, it will bring some sanity to the game of Indian Tennis  and would ensure my  longevity as I am the Honorary Lifetime President of AITA’.

His Personal Assistant comes in  and wakes him up ending his wonderful time of day dreaming for the benefit of our great country.

Dilemma of Old Currency Notes and the Lord Venkateswara

The Sun God raised his head in the east beaming his majestical sun-light all over the Universe. In the Vaikunta, Mrs M.S was rendering the Suprapadam slokas with  ethereal purity of her voice.  With the melody reaching his ears, the Lord Venkateswara  attempted to wake  up from his serpentine-cum-water-bed. As he opened his eyes, Lord Lakshmi and other Gods were in attendance to see his resplendent face. The Lord quickly completed his morning rituals-brushing his teeth, bathing in the ocean, drinking of organically produced nector etc. Then, he  asked his Secretary and the news reader Lord Narada to switch on the magic screen and  show  him a summary of events that had taken place during the previous day, particularly those relating to him.

Some repeat news such as the CM of Telangana Mr Chandrasekar Rao offering crores worth of ornaments to the Lord at the Seven Hills temple, Tirupati, Vijay Mallaya still demanding his response for crores worth of gifts offered to the Lord for bailing him out of King Fisher mess, etc., etc., were rolling down. The Lord did not show interest in any of them and advised Narada to present only the latest and most important of events concerning him. Then, Narada with great hesitation flashed this news:

Tirupati temple's demonetisation woes: Rs 4 crore in old Rs 500, 1000 notes

For a while, the Lord was taken aback.

‘How come, this could happen? Where is my Chief Accountant- Chanakya?’

Chanakya rushed in with bated breath carrying with him the latest accounting software loaded Viswakarma Laptop and said, ‘Swamy, I am always here at your Command.’

Lord asked him to look at the news channels conducting special programmes on this issue with every one of them claiming that their channel was the first one to report even before the news reached the Lord.

On watching the news on Tirupati temple problem of old currencies, Chanakya was shivering with no word coming out of his mouth.

Lord thundered, ‘Every year, lakhs of devotees donate a large amount of wealth and cash to me at the  Tirumala and other temples all over the world. If more than 10 pieces of old currencies are with anyone, he or she will be liable for penalty under Modi’s law of Demonetisation. Never before, such an embarrassment has happened to my name. What will I say to my devotee fondly known as Modi who believes that I am the resurrector of all wrongdoings in India which is more than the Universe?’

‘Call other Members of  my Eternal Supreme Council of Advisors to find a solution to this problem’, He continued. 

Soon, Lords Lakshmi, Padmavathi, Shiva, Brahma,  Indira and Saraswathi assembled in the Council Hall and awaiting the Lord to come. Narada was also called to attend it as a special invitee.

They were trying to avoid the main issue to be discussed with each one trying to hold  their  strategies close to their hearts so that each one of them  can present theirs when called upon by the Lord and thus score some brownie points.   They indulged in talking about  more  gossip related and moron news  like when will the people know about the complete details of JJ’s death, how to prepare a comprehensive  list of wealth charts of Mannargudi Mafia,  Karuna’s family tree real and hidden,  if Varanasi would give a thumps-up to Modi etc.  This is typical of any pedagogic management style where the officials called in to give their strategies and the superior Gods also played similar games among themselves.

The Council Meeting was called to order and all the Lords waited to take their seats until the Lord Venkateshwara moved into his Serpentine throne.

Chanakya presented the case before the members of the ESCA. The Lord, then asked every member to present his/her  ideas, strategies to meet the crisis at Tirupati Temple.

Lakshmi, ‘Lord, I know only to accumulate; but, let Chanakya tell the number of temples of the Lord in the Universe.’

Chanakya:  Looking from his laptop, he rattled out the figures, ‘Including those abroad and one on the Moon, there are 100008 big, medium and small temples for the Lord’.

Lakshmi: “Why not distribute all these money to all these temples so that each one of them will be within the government’s stipulation of 10 pieces per person?’

Lord: ‘No, your idea is not feasible, next.’

Padmavathi: ‘Please give it to my father Akasa Raja who was also the King of seven hills and reputed to take any amount of money as dowry. He will find his ways to get around the issue.’

Lord: ‘No, your idea is also not feasible, next.’

Shiva: ‘Lord, I do not have any wants as I just wear a loin cloth and smear my body with ashes. So, I will have to check with Parvati who is my Finance Minister. So, no suggestion from me of my own.’

Lord: ‘No problem, next.’

Brahma: ‘I have 360-degree vision of all events taking place around me. But, I have poor long sight. So, I can see what is happening close to my area of work. Still, I suggest that we may gift the amount to the leader of the JJ group who  has just checked in. She and her team of Mannargudi Mafia are experts in handling any type of money and keeping everyone guessing for decades.’

Lord: ‘No, that may not work, we have a number of such teams in the great land of India. I may face more problems and my reputation is already at risk for having helped Mallayas, Chandrasekars,  Reddy brothers et al….. Next.’

Indira: ‘What can I say Lord? I am the enemy for all the Asuras who use sages to invoke Brahma and get boons from him and using them to attack me and other devas and drive us out of Swarga. This is Asuras made problem and I may not be able solve it.’

Lord: ‘OK, OK…it is not the time to fight between two equals– Brahma and Indra.’

Lord turned to Chanakya for a solution. Chanakya showed his hand towards Narada who was still keeping quiet and watching the proceedings with all the smiles on his face.

Lord: ‘Yes, Narada, have you any ideas to share or strategies to help me out of this mess?’

Narada: ‘Lord, I know only chanting the songs in praise of You. Still I will place my suggestions before you. Before that I want Chanakya to answer or clarify certain issues.’

Chankaya: ‘Yes, Lord Narada, I will answer and clarify all your doubts. Please ask me.’

Narada : ‘Does the Lord have his Aadhar Card with all the twenty finger prints taken?’

Chanakya: ‘Yes, the Lord has his Aadhar card and so too Lord Lakshmi and Padmavathi.’

Narada: ‘What about PAN card?’

Chanakya: ‘Yes, the Lord has his PAN card registered too.’

Narada: ‘Whether all his bank accounts are KYC compliant?

Chanakya: ‘Yes, all the accounts are KYC compliant.’

Narada: ‘How much money is still due to Kubera for the loan taken by the Lord when he married Lord Padmavathi which he paid as dowry to her father?’

Chanakya: ‘It is like Government Account maintained by the State Bank of India. In Government accounts, only debit entries will be shown with showing anything in the balance column and reconciliation of accounts is done once in a while with the help of the RBI. So, nobody including me the Chief Accountant has been able to tell the amount due to Kubera. But, one thing is certain. The Lord cannot enter Vaikunta without clearing all the dues to Kubera. That much I can vouch.’

Narada: ‘Please read out the fine prints of the RBI notification---sorry, sorry, the GoI directed RBI issued notification on the demonetisation of old currency notes.’

Chanakya: ‘Over 60 notifications were issued by the RBI in about same number of days. But, now for our problem, I refer to the answer to question number 3 of the FAQs updated as on 17 February, 2017 by the RBI, no Indian resident residing in India can deposit any old currency after 30 December 2016. Any Indian resident who was abroad from 9 November to 30 December 2016 can deposit the old currencies with the RBI till 31 March 2017. For an NRI account holder, it will be 30 June 2017. All others who hold more than 10 pieces under both the denominations and not exceeding 25 pieces for study and research purposes will be liable to pay a penalty of Rs.50,000 or five times the face value of the currency notes held whichever is higher.’

Narada: Closed his eyes and tapped his forehead and took a deep breath (perhaps this is how we have picked up the practice of  giving  an impression of a serious thinking person though nothing goes inside our head). Then he opened his eyes and said,

‘Lord, I have two plans for you to consider. Plan -A: ‘Send this money to Kubera temple as part payment of your debt to him, who will break his head in getting it converted into new currencies. By this, you can be off your embarrassment.’

Lord: ‘Narada, it is a good suggestion. But, there is a hitch. Kubera will anyway come back to me ask my help to get him out of this mess as many mortals do. So, the issue will be back to square one. Now, you tell me your Plan-B.’

Narada: ‘Plan – B is this. With your temples in a number of countries, You are always an NRI and also an Indian visiting India from time to time to take your hundi collections and give benefaction to your devotees. I understand that you have a number of NRI accounts and all the bankers will vouch for this thought KYC compliance is adequate or not. So, you direct Chanakya to furnish the list of NRI accounts with all the banks and  divide the entire 4 crore plus rupees of old currencies in equal proportion and deposit in these accounts through your corporate office account maintained in Tirupati.’

Lord: ‘This seems to be a better strategy. Chanakya, take necessary steps to credit all the amount under NRI accounts and report to me the final position. Also give me the list of those who had deposited these old notes after 30 December 2016 in my Hundis in Tirupati and caused me this embarrassment so that I can keep their requests in abeyance and make them come back and pay five times more as penalty before I consider their requests. This is the lesson they should learn that they should not  indulge in such unethical practices.  All should know that only those who pray with  clear mind and heart will have my blessings and will come to me.’

Then, the Lord directed Narada, ‘Call a meeting of the leading news channels and inform them that the issue has been resolved and they should organise seminars and round-table meetings and highlight the correct position for the benefit of all my devotees in the Universe.’

‘By the by, also inform Shri Vyasa Muni to incorporate this story in  the latest edition of  ‘Srimath Bhagavata Mahapuranam’ so that it will benefit my devotees of 21^st Century.’

Namo Narayana! 

Chanting these divine words that reverberated the Universe,  the ESCouncil members retired to their homes and offices.

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